Hot wind tore through my face, passing onto my eyes the grime and dust that it was carrying. I adjusted my position, though I knew it wouldn’t make any difference to the sun scorching my back. Images and movements zipped past me, as fast as the thoughts that ran through my mind. The numbness in my fingers had already started creeping up my wrists, my palms screamed for respite. I moved my buttocks a little, the muscles of my thighs and calves tightened and twisted in pain for that second. I was enjoying it, feeling as if I stood outside of my body sensing every muscle's tension and pressure, absorbing every detail of pain that my body was undergoing. It was unfair that only sinners go to hell.
I was in one of my mood swings. That crazy pendulum in my mind never stops moving. Plunging my mind into glory one moment and darkness in the other. Something had happened that morning, something that had made that pendulum swing to the wrong side. I cut through the events, like a coroner’s knife in an autopsy. Ripping and cutting out events and people, scanning them and finally discarding them. As in the past that elusive moment that triggered my mood remained elusive.
My vision cleared and I saw red. My leg instinctively pressed the brake; a painful left hand squeezed the clutch just in time to keep the ignition running. The throb of the engine slowly made sense to my body, throbbing and vibrating in sync with my body. My back was aching and I stretched, making my chest and hip go taut with relief. I saw green, I felt myself being propelled. Clearly outlined images morphed into a haze of colors and time began to slow down again.
To lead a life without purpose, without goal and without conviction seemed such an unfair thing to do with yourself. Existence for the sake of its name remained in the plane of the lowest order solely because it held no purpose. I had gone through that stage once, not knowing what to do. Imagining that events will unfold by themselves and guide you through the perils of life. I did not 'grow' out of that stage simply because the mind stops growing after a point of time. I simply reflected on my thoughts and observed my senses reacting to each of those thoughts. I realized that to be told what you want is in itself the greatest sin man can commit.
If achieving one's purpose gives happiness shouldn’t everybody be doing that? One question that hits me in my solar plexus every time. I fail to breathe in the coherency of this question every damn time. The numbness in my wrists had crept to my chests and my shoulders. It was sheer torture not knowing the answer to questions that undermine man's ability and strength of purpose.
I don’t know how long it lasts every time, and I don’t remember how frequent it changes. But I remember enjoying the pain every time. It jolts my brain back to reality, to the truth. The truth that men must not just exist but live. And when we start living, the need to help another person fades into oblivion. The sewers of the world will then get filled with sympathy, compassion, helplessness. Every man must free himself from society, from the bonding of compromise. His skill, his passion for excellence and his relentless pursuit of fulfilling his purpose will dispel the so called light of humanity. One word that has been twisted and torn into pieces, losing the very soul of its meaning. If making a person feel better about his lack of ability or to console a person into existence for his lack of control over his emotions is being humanitarian then to hell with humanity. If licking somebody's boots and making him feel good about himself is the only way for man to make money, to hell with making money.
The drone of humanity subdues the voices of true men. He need not be heard by all, just one would be enough. If just one man in my lifetime realizes the vanity of his existence I would have achieved part of my purpose. The numbness was complete, my vision had blurred beyond recoup. Flashes of light flew along, cold and warm air hitting me alternately as I moved under flyovers. I realized I would be quelled; I would be torn by the mass of bodies that believed in mere existence of body n pleasure. They will fight me and they will cut me into so many pieces that none of it would make sense to the men who wanted to live. My mind whirred suddenly, throwing that balancing liquid in the middle of my ear off-balance. My vision cleared and I did not see red nor did I see green. I saw White, pure and beautiful with big glass windows turning slowly. My mind was screaming for me to hit the brakes, but my legs wouldn’t respond. They just existed numbed by humanity, my arms always a step ahead had actually embraced it. But the fact that man's mind will never fall prey to it made me breathe with relief. The mind had won, and I was proud of it. I closed my eyes, sinking into the victory, liberating myself from a world that I could not change.
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